She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Randomize
