You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
