Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Randomize
