if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
What would a frattoo be? Maybe like the Chinese symbol for Keystone Light.
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Randomize
