The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
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Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
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I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
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