careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
