Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
Randomize
