Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
And she was only 16?
You say that like it's a bad thing.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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