Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Randomize
