Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
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