forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
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