dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
