so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Randomize
