i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
