I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Randomize
