Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
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