Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
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