Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
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