At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
is that a dick in a sweater?
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
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