I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
Randomize
