Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
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