so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
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