I'm lost and stupid without you.
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
Randomize
