He lets me throw up in him even if i do it mistakeily- erica talking about the toilet
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
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