what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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