A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Randomize
