I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Randomize
