Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
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