You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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