dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Randomize
