I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
