I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
Randomize
