Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
No stitches, just platelets and will power
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
