you're like a bully in the Christmas story
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
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