Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
