I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Pride was great cause we really can now appreciate how far we've come as gay people!
Doll, if you're still fucking strangers behind the WeHo Sonic while high on E then we've come as far as 2003...
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Randomize
