were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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