I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
