got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Randomize
