so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
