i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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