I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
I touched a dick in church today
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
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