I understand why you refuse to be sober now
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
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