Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Randomize
