Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
