paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
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