Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Randomize
