dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
He disabled his match.com account in front of me
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Randomize
