Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
