I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
