Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Randomize
