Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
the mandatory saturday morning class for those written up by RA's turned into a gold mine...just met EVERY hot chick that parties.
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Randomize
