So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Randomize
