i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
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