at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Randomize
