Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
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