You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
