my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
then he tried to convert me to islam
I wish there were birth control emojis
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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