dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
