New invention idea: vibrating tampons
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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